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Bonus Content: Life In The Grey - Remus's Diary
This is bonus content for my fic, Life In The Grey and is not meant to be understood independently of that story.
Summary: Remus's chronological diary, including diary entries and poems that were developed during the writing process but did not directly make it into the final fic.
Warnings: Angst, depression, references to war, spoilers for Life In The Grey
Rating: PG
A/N: These entries and poems didn't make it into the final fic, but most did impact the character and relationship development. I have included italicised notes giving context to the poems/entries where it seems necessary. I have referred to the poems that were used in the fic, to give an accurate representation of the timeline. Please be aware that spelling and grammatical errors and rhymes/rhythm that didn't quite hit the mark are intentional, to reflect Remus's age/ability at the time of writing.
17th March, 1969 (age 9)
Today is four years after my first moon. I read my diary from the begining today but I couldn’t understand most of it because my spelling was terribale. The pictures I drawed made me sad though. It made me remember some things I didn’t know I remembered. I wish I didn’t remember. When I looked at the pictures I felt sorry for the little boy. He was scared of the monster that came in the window but he should be scared of the moon because the moon makes the monster come out of him and there’s nothing he can do about it.
5th May, 1969
I have been learning about poems with mummy in lessons. I like the poems that rime best. I want to try writing a poem but mummy says the best poems are about something important so I should wait until there’s something important to write about.
24th December, 1969
I wrote a poem. I don’t want to write anything else today.
Today is Christmas Eve
But I am feeling sad
Because Mum is in her bedroom
Being looked after by Dad
I didn’t mean to do it
And I know that she knows
But I still feel really guilty
All the way down to my toes
Mum was trying to help me
So I wouldn’t come to harm
But it just smelled a human
And bit her on the arm
I remember the taste this morning
Not knowing what I’d done
I didn’t want to go downstairs
I just wanted to run
Maybe I should run
And lock myself away
So Mum and Dad can be safe
Because they won’t be if I stay
by Remus Lupin, age 9
18th March, 1971
Dumbledore
is a very nice
man with a
very very
long and
greyish
bea
rd.
by Remus Lupin, age 11
6th September, 1971
Today is the first day of class
But I’m in a hospital bed
My arms and legs are aching
And there’s banging in my head.
I made new friends on Wednesday
Cause we all share a room
But I lied to them already
So I guess our friendships doomed.
I think I should go home
And just be taught by Dad
Because I think I’ll like it here
And that’s really, really bad.
The boys in my room are clever
They won’t always believe the lies
And when they work out the truth
I’ll have to say goodbye.
by Remus Lupin, age 11
3rd November, 1971
James, Sirius and Peter were really upset when I said I had to go away again because it’s Sirius’s birthday tomorrow. I don’t like lying to them or saying Mum is ill. If she really got ill I would feel really bad for pretending. Sirius said it was okay because it meant I could go get him a present but I said I didn’t have time to get anything then he said that me coming back would be his present. I don’t want to go.
12th February, 1978
Not now, I tell him
But he’s nothing if not persistent.
Exams first, I tell him,
But I’m just playing for time.
I want him, I can’t tell him.
He deserves so much better.
by Remus Lupin, age 17
18th July, 1978
I used to think that love was not for me.
I tried to be content with life alone.
But he would never let me break away,
And I could never bring myself to moan.
Not when he made the beast inside me quiet
And stopped the thing from tearing me apart,
And so his eyes so grey and smile so warm
Crept slowly all the way into my heart.
And once that seed was planted, there it grew
And things I thought that couldn’t, now may be.
I now can see a future that I thought
Was unobtainable for one like me.
He sucks the very darkness from my soul
So now, with him beside me, I feel whole.
by Remus Lupin, age 18
27th October, 1978 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Let the birds sing out of tune...
by Remus Lupin, age 18
13th December, 1979
I left myself behind,
Somewhere…
Hidden in the shadow of the wolf.
Caught up in self-pity,
Trapped…
Prisoner to my own nature.
Trying to break free,
Escape…
But the wolf chases me.
I try to forget,
Move on…
But every day it haunts me.
The damage is done,
Stamped…
Imprinted on my mind and soul.
Held back by what I am,
Longing…
To set my mind free
Once again
So I can be…
Me.
by Remus Lupin, age 19
16th February, 1980 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Black.
Darkness is Black...
by Remus Lupin, age 19
5th October, 1981 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
The world has turned to grey...
by Remus Lupin, age 21
25th December, 1981 (Christmas Day, almost two months since Lily and James' death, and Peter's supposed death and four months since the death of his mother, Hope.)
Just forget
Don’t think about it.
Then.
Them.
Just move on
Without them.
Without a home.
Without Hope.
Just start again
On your own.
Trust no one.
Love no one.
Forget about friends.
Adventures, mischief.
Blue eyes, brown eyes, grey.
Brown hair, black hair, black.
Don’t think about black.
Forget the whisper of his lies.
Forget the soft touch of his lips.
Forget his heart.
Forget about pretending
That you can be normal.
Be the shadow.
Live in the grey.
Pretend that it doesn’t tear you apart inside
To know that their light within you
Has been extinguished
Forever.
by Remus Lupin, age 21
27th March, 1982
What if…?
What does it matter?
We cannot change the facts.
Wondering what could have happened
Only keeps us in the past.
If only…
But it didn’t.
Things are how they are.
But still the blame,
And the regrets,
Haunt me…
In hindsight.
by Remus Lupin, age 22
29th July, 1982 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Do what you will,
Nothing will change...
by Remus Lupin, age 22
1st May, 1984 (reflecting on Greyback)
You took it all
Left nothing behind
Nothing but the fear
Nothing but the nightmares
Nothing but a shell
A cheerful mask
Disguising the pain
Old habits:
Polite, happy, caring
Come so naturally
Hide so easily
The void
That I am
That you made me.
by Remus Lupin, age 24
13th September, 1984 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Please, do not look at me.
I am lips to service you...
by Remus Lupin, age 24
25th August, 1985 (written after meeting Nate, but before they were together, see Chapter 1 for full poem)
Don’t look into that mirror...
by Remus Lupin, age 25
8th June, 1987 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Dear child, please know...
by Remus Lupin, age 27
9th January, 1990 (Written seven months after Nate left)
We awake in bed together,
Entangled in an embrace
Reliable British weather
Pattering outside our microcosm.
The eyes open, sleepily
Your hand across my back
Then I realise, weepily,
I’ve left you in my dream.
by Remus Lupin, age 30
5th November, 1993 (Written after Sirius's return to his family home.)
He’s back, but not exactly.
Too much has passed;
Too much time,
Too much guilt,
Too much blame.
The repercussions echo,
Reverberate, through one day and into the next
In a never ending chain of not-quite;
Not quite free,
Not quite forgiven.
Not quite whole.
I know those eyes, but less haunted.
I know that face, less sallow.
I hope that still I know that heart.
The boy I followed,
The boy I fought with,
The boy I reasoned with;
Lost to false accusations,
Broad assumptions and betrayal.
Defended by no one.
But he’s back.
The man I loved, but not exactly.
Yet still I see him.
Yet still I love.
by Remus Lupin, age 33
18th June, 1998 (One month after the Battle of Hogwarts)
The war is over.
We won, or so they say.
The countless nameless headstones,
The too-young ghosts that walk the corridors,
They say otherwise.
We didn’t lose, no,
They call this victory.
I don’t.
The price was too high.
by Remus Lupin, age 38
2nd May, 1999 (The one year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. See Chapter 1 for full poem)
My life is a jigsaw...
by Remus Lupin, age 39
7th March, 2001 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Talk to me about our friends...
by Remus Lupin, age 40
10th March, 2001 (Written after the events of Life In The Grey)
Weak Spring sunshine
filters through the unfurling leaves
of the sycamore,
dappling the rough stone path
with hazy light
in shades of yellow and lime green.
Birds sing,
the wind chills,
but the sky is clear.
I can see the horizon
and he runs to it,
his fur whipping and waving
with the undulation of his muscles
as he lets loose,
throwing himself forward,
unshaken, unafraid, uninhibited.
And so do I wish to be.
And so shall we be,
in time.
by Remus Lupin, age 41
Summary: Remus's chronological diary, including diary entries and poems that were developed during the writing process but did not directly make it into the final fic.
Warnings: Angst, depression, references to war, spoilers for Life In The Grey
Rating: PG
A/N: These entries and poems didn't make it into the final fic, but most did impact the character and relationship development. I have included italicised notes giving context to the poems/entries where it seems necessary. I have referred to the poems that were used in the fic, to give an accurate representation of the timeline. Please be aware that spelling and grammatical errors and rhymes/rhythm that didn't quite hit the mark are intentional, to reflect Remus's age/ability at the time of writing.
17th March, 1969 (age 9)
Today is four years after my first moon. I read my diary from the begining today but I couldn’t understand most of it because my spelling was terrib
5th May, 1969
I have been learning about poems with mummy in lessons. I like the poems that rime best. I want to try writing a poem but mummy says the best poems are about something important so I should wait until there’s something important to write about.
24th December, 1969
I wrote a poem. I don’t want to write anything else today.
Today is Christmas Eve
But I am feeling sad
Because Mum is in her bedroom
Being looked after by Dad
I didn’t mean to do it
And I know that she knows
But I still feel really guilty
All the way down to my toes
Mum was trying to help me
So I wouldn’t come to harm
But it just smelled a human
And bit her on the arm
I remember the taste this morning
Not knowing what I’d done
I didn’t want to go downstairs
I just wanted to run
Maybe I should run
And lock myself away
So Mum and Dad can be safe
Because they won’t be if I stay
by Remus Lupin, age 9
18th March, 1971
Dumbledore
is a very nice
man with a
very very
long and
greyish
bea
rd.
by Remus Lupin, age 11
6th September, 1971
Today is the first day of class
But I’m in a hospital bed
My arms and legs are aching
And there’s banging in my head.
I made new friends on Wednesday
Cause we all share a room
But I lied to them already
So I guess our friendships doomed.
I think I should go home
And just be taught by Dad
Because I think I’ll like it here
And that’s really, really bad.
The boys in my room are clever
They won’t always believe the lies
And when they work out the truth
I’ll have to say goodbye.
by Remus Lupin, age 11
3rd November, 1971
James, Sirius and Peter were really upset when I said I had to go away again because it’s Sirius’s birthday tomorrow. I don’t like lying to them or saying Mum is ill. If she really got ill I would feel really bad for pretending. Sirius said it was okay because it meant I could go get him a present but I said I didn’t have time to get anything then he said that me coming back would be his present. I don’t want to go.
12th February, 1978
Not now, I tell him
But he’s nothing if not persistent.
Exams first, I tell him,
But I’m just playing for time.
I want him, I can’t tell him.
He deserves so much better.
by Remus Lupin, age 17
18th July, 1978
I used to think that love was not for me.
I tried to be content with life alone.
But he would never let me break away,
And I could never bring myself to moan.
Not when he made the beast inside me quiet
And stopped the thing from tearing me apart,
And so his eyes so grey and smile so warm
Crept slowly all the way into my heart.
And once that seed was planted, there it grew
And things I thought that couldn’t, now may be.
I now can see a future that I thought
Was unobtainable for one like me.
He sucks the very darkness from my soul
So now, with him beside me, I feel whole.
by Remus Lupin, age 18
27th October, 1978 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Let the birds sing out of tune...
by Remus Lupin, age 18
13th December, 1979
I left myself behind,
Somewhere…
Hidden in the shadow of the wolf.
Caught up in self-pity,
Trapped…
Prisoner to my own nature.
Trying to break free,
Escape…
But the wolf chases me.
I try to forget,
Move on…
But every day it haunts me.
The damage is done,
Stamped…
Imprinted on my mind and soul.
Held back by what I am,
Longing…
To set my mind free
Once again
So I can be…
Me.
by Remus Lupin, age 19
16th February, 1980 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Black.
Darkness is Black...
by Remus Lupin, age 19
5th October, 1981 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
The world has turned to grey...
by Remus Lupin, age 21
25th December, 1981 (Christmas Day, almost two months since Lily and James' death, and Peter's supposed death and four months since the death of his mother, Hope.)
Just forget
Don’t think about it.
Then.
Them.
Just move on
Without them.
Without a home.
Without Hope.
Just start again
On your own.
Trust no one.
Love no one.
Forget about friends.
Adventures, mischief.
Blue eyes, brown eyes, grey.
Brown hair, black hair, black.
Don’t think about black.
Forget the whisper of his lies.
Forget the soft touch of his lips.
Forget his heart.
Forget about pretending
That you can be normal.
Be the shadow.
Live in the grey.
Pretend that it doesn’t tear you apart inside
To know that their light within you
Has been extinguished
Forever.
by Remus Lupin, age 21
27th March, 1982
What if…?
What does it matter?
We cannot change the facts.
Wondering what could have happened
Only keeps us in the past.
If only…
But it didn’t.
Things are how they are.
But still the blame,
And the regrets,
Haunt me…
In hindsight.
by Remus Lupin, age 22
29th July, 1982 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Do what you will,
Nothing will change...
by Remus Lupin, age 22
1st May, 1984 (reflecting on Greyback)
You took it all
Left nothing behind
Nothing but the fear
Nothing but the nightmares
Nothing but a shell
A cheerful mask
Disguising the pain
Old habits:
Polite, happy, caring
Come so naturally
Hide so easily
The void
That I am
That you made me.
by Remus Lupin, age 24
13th September, 1984 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Please, do not look at me.
I am lips to service you...
by Remus Lupin, age 24
25th August, 1985 (written after meeting Nate, but before they were together, see Chapter 1 for full poem)
Don’t look into that mirror...
by Remus Lupin, age 25
8th June, 1987 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Dear child, please know...
by Remus Lupin, age 27
9th January, 1990 (Written seven months after Nate left)
We awake in bed together,
Entangled in an embrace
Reliable British weather
Pattering outside our microcosm.
The eyes open, sleepily
Your hand across my back
Then I realise, weepily,
I’ve left you in my dream.
by Remus Lupin, age 30
5th November, 1993 (Written after Sirius's return to his family home.)
He’s back, but not exactly.
Too much has passed;
Too much time,
Too much guilt,
Too much blame.
The repercussions echo,
Reverberate, through one day and into the next
In a never ending chain of not-quite;
Not quite free,
Not quite forgiven.
Not quite whole.
I know those eyes, but less haunted.
I know that face, less sallow.
I hope that still I know that heart.
The boy I followed,
The boy I fought with,
The boy I reasoned with;
Lost to false accusations,
Broad assumptions and betrayal.
Defended by no one.
But he’s back.
The man I loved, but not exactly.
Yet still I see him.
Yet still I love.
by Remus Lupin, age 33
18th June, 1998 (One month after the Battle of Hogwarts)
The war is over.
We won, or so they say.
The countless nameless headstones,
The too-young ghosts that walk the corridors,
They say otherwise.
We didn’t lose, no,
They call this victory.
I don’t.
The price was too high.
by Remus Lupin, age 38
2nd May, 1999 (The one year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. See Chapter 1 for full poem)
My life is a jigsaw...
by Remus Lupin, age 39
7th March, 2001 (See Chapter 1 for full poem)
Talk to me about our friends...
by Remus Lupin, age 40
10th March, 2001 (Written after the events of Life In The Grey)
Weak Spring sunshine
filters through the unfurling leaves
of the sycamore,
dappling the rough stone path
with hazy light
in shades of yellow and lime green.
Birds sing,
the wind chills,
but the sky is clear.
I can see the horizon
and he runs to it,
his fur whipping and waving
with the undulation of his muscles
as he lets loose,
throwing himself forward,
unshaken, unafraid, uninhibited.
And so do I wish to be.
And so shall we be,
in time.
by Remus Lupin, age 41